Saturday, 12 February 2011
Monday, 23 August 2010
That Guy Is Like Lightning!
your maw smokes roll ups
your maw used tae be the manager of TASS colts
your maw went on Deal or No Deal and sold the banker to Noel Edmonds
your maw spits in the mirror and looks at herself
your maw thinks Gok Wan's wee brothers called Gok Two
your maw gargles sawdust
your maw canny spell "coleslaw"
your maw dusny let yer dad see her in the scud
your maw is a bouncer at Farmfoods
your maw thinks the FTSE is the sexiest part of the stock exchange
your maw googled google and broke the internet
your maw got I.D'd for skins
your maw dusny believe in Twitter
your maw eats tampons
your maw got done in by the Sea Queen
your maw pays her tick in pound coins
your maw used tae go wae McArdle
your maw collects fag douts
your maw hangs about wae the janny at playtime
your maw has got a shiny Charizard and wilny swap it for fuck all
Sunday, 18 July 2010
"Luk et the nik ay you!"
Right so I haven't posted in a while and that is for a multitude, a plethora, a whole bunch, and hunners of reasons:
T in the Park blew my fucking mind oot the back of ma heed.
I forgot I had a blog in the same way a junkie forgets she left her wean tied tae the lampost ootside the pharmacy.
Inspiration left me hanging like Tarzan, but then something/someone happened and I got the fire in my bones back.
So here's a a few wee tasty delights to keep you going for a few days.
First choice is an uplifting wee number from "Those Dancing Days" called "Space Hero Suits".
Shite name and a bit of a slow burner but about as uplifting as finding a fiver in the johnny pocket of those jeans you had on last night.
Next is a wee slice of 100% Scottish Electro-Disco-Italo-House courtesy of Grum.
Awrite he doesny live in Scotland anymore but neither do fucking Billy Connelly or Sean Connery either so who gies a pie roll?
The tunes called "Heartbeats"(NO YOU DAFTY IT DOESNT CONTAIN THE LYRICS "GOES BOOM BOOM BOOM") and even though it's a wee bit poppy the synth line in the back reminds me of "Ready 2 Wear" which was the tune that pretty much got me into electro. Enjoy.
OK, Last but not least is a wee bit of self-indulgence in a track off the new Prince album "Twenty10" which came free wae the Daily Record on Saturday last.
Anybody that knows me knows that I think Prince is basically a tiny purple Jesus who writes immense tunes and so I'm blatantly plugging him here because this is an absolute tune. To me it sounds like if Sister Act was set in the future. And Whoopi Goldberg was Prince. And There wasn't any nuns.
Saturday, 26 June 2010
Saturday, 12 June 2010
If you say "Beer-Can" it sounds like a Jamaican guy saying "Bacon"
At what point of the night do ashtrays disappear and tins of Tennents take their place?
It's a subtle and almost imperceptible process but it does happen, as I would gladly tell you as I pick the fag douts out of my sink on just about every Saturday and Sunday morning. It's with regularity that I am taken by surprise, having being decanting the amber nectar from its vessel into the sink on a post-party clean-up mission, a naked fag dout (having had his wee orange jacket soaked off) pops out the tin and into the plughole like a tabbaco stowaway on a cheap beer submarine.
In fact, it's not just beer tins that make this mysterious transformation; candles, bottle caps, glasses, other fag packets and some people even just tap the fag ash into their cradled hand.
What.the.fuck.
I think the equation for turning something from "just a thing on a table" to "ashtray" is like this:
laziness+(proximity of actual ashtray+need for nicotine)/creativity=
your girlfriends handbag is now an ashtray
your girlfriends handbag is now an ashtray
Thursday, 10 June 2010
The Metro is fucking shite.
So every weekend punters from all across the Shire flock to The Metro.
It's filthy inside.
The music is muck.
It's full of plastic gangsters and giro-babies.
What is the big attraction? Why the overwhelming compulsion to subject yourself to this drivel?
I say we boycott it until somebody builds a new nightclub with DJ's who can play something that isn't in the UK Top 40.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)